Dignity Bowl: What Have I Done?!?!?!?!

This really couldn’t be worse for me!

I live and breathe football. Week 1 for me is more important than Christmas and my birthday combined. I spend hundreds of dollars every year to get to a football game, whether it is in Seattle, Arizona or Houston. I have over thirty NFL jerseys hanging in my closet. NFL.com is my homepage. I have been in a fantasy football league for 18 (YES, EIGHTEEN) years! For a 29 year old, that is over 60% of my life! Hell, I beat out 37 other competitors in a pick’em league this season. I love the sport, and I am GOOD at the sport.

... Yet all the confidence, all the accolades... It could all disappear in four short weeks of football.

And it’s all my fault!

You see, we at Sports Opinionated were trying to come up with an idea for the playoffs and this was my idea:

Marty: ‘Hey guys! Why don’t we make picks?’
Ryan: ‘What... Like against each other?’
Pete: ‘Hmm... Sounds un-original and boring.’
Marty: ‘Why don’t we make it different then.... Maybe we can get our dads in on it?’
Ryan: ‘My dad knows more about the NFL than me!’
Marty: ‘I dunno... Our moms, then?’
Pete: ‘Pfft... I will kick my mom’s ass at this!’
Ryan: ‘Yeah, me too!’
Marty: ‘Then it’s official!’

It didn’t dawn on me until a few hours later that if I lose to my mom, I am going to look like an absolute fool. Especially after grabbing the top prize in my main pick’em pool.

When the shock hit me, I immediately fell to the floor, curled up in the fetal position and drowned myself in a steady stream of tears, mumbling, ‘Oh god, what have I done? Oh god, what have I done? Oh god, what have I done?’

Essentially, I came to the realization that I had absolutely nothing to gain with this little endeavour. And I had everything to lose. Thus, the Dignity Bowl was born.

Just to draw some comparison as to whom I am going up against in this competition, I decided I would do a little tale of the tape, boxing match style:

Age:
Marty: 29
Norma: 41 (allegedly)
EDGE: Norma (More life experience)

Weight:
Marty: Fat
Norma: Looking slim these days!
EDGE: Norma

Reach:
Marty: 48”
Norma: 42”, 54” with a wooden spoon
EDGE: Norma

Occupation
Marty: Sports Blogger, Podcaster, Advertising Consultant
Norma: Retired, Traveller
EDGE: While Norma’s job is way more fun, Marty wins this one on Football purposes.

Biggest NFL Accomplishment:
Marty: Was in attendance to see Barry Sanders rush for 244 in 1992, Shaun Alexander rush for 288 in 2003, and Chris Johnson break 2000 yards in 2010
Norma: Can name MOST NFL Team names when prompted with the city.
EDGE: Marty

Favourite Super Bowl Memory
Marty: Kevin Dyson coming up a yard short in SB XXXIV
Norma: That ‘Cat Herding’ commercial. It was really cute.
EDGE: Norma? I mean, it was a really cute commercial!

Favourite NFL Team:
Marty: Seattle Seahawks
Norma: Green Bay Packers
EDGE: Norma. She is going to take the ball, and is going to score! ####!

Favourite Current Player:
Marty: Matt Hasselbeck
Norma: That Packer quarterback... Brent Favre?
EDGE: Marty. You have to get the name right to score points in this game.

Super Bowl Prediction:
Marty: Chargers over Eagles
Norma: Blue Bombers over Stampeders
EDGE: Marty

Favourite Offensive situation:
Marty: 2^nd and short. So versatile!
Norma: Scoring! Yay!
EDGE: Norma

Favourite Defensive Formation:
Marty: 4-3. BRING THE LB’S ON A BLITZ! YEAH!!!!
Norma: 3-4. I love the versatility of being able to use OLBs as DE’s.
EDGE: Marty. Like my mom really answered that!

Final Tally: Norma pulls of a slight upset!

It might be close, but Norma has key advantages where it counts. And really, who wants to win and make their mom mad when she’s got 54” and a wooden spoon on her side?!

Now you know why I am worried about this competition.

Final Note: SHE IS GOING TO GET HER ASS KICKED! BRING IT ON NORMA!!!!

************************PICKS TO COME TOMORROW************************