Here I was all ready to write an article about coaches on the hot seat. My research had been done, my top 10 had been compiled, and my notes had been made. Then, I thought I would take one more look at some NFL news, and BAM! Dick Jauron was thrown out of Buffalo like a napkin messied with hot sauce. The good news is that I had him at #3, so it would have made me look bad if I had posted this column before he was fired.
...Man, I probably shouldn't have said that.
According to a world renowned source (me), there are 7 coaches in the NFL that are untouchable due to past history and current record. These ‘safe coaches’ have 0% chance of getting fired, and should remain on with their current teams for the foreseeable future.Sean 'Duck Face' Payton
Bill 'The Emperor' Belichick
Jim 'Ole Stone-Faced' Caldwell
John 'Don’t Call Me Jim' Harbaugh
Mike 'Omar Epps' Tomlin
Bill 'The Emperor' Belichick
Jim 'Ole Stone-Faced' Caldwell
John 'Don’t Call Me Jim' Harbaugh
Mike 'Omar Epps' Tomlin
Marvin 'Really? 0% Chance?' Lewis
Brad 'Kornheiser' Childress
The next category is coaches that are new to their teams (and coincidentally, to being a head coach in general). These coaches have been given a few seasons to prove their worth and are just in the first season of implementing their ‘winning’ formula. These coaches have a 5% chance of being removed from their duties, and can spend the offseason honing their skills by playing Madden 10. Right Raheem?
Raheem 'Madden Guru' Morris
Steve 'I Miss NY' Spagnuolo
Jim 'Power of the...' Schwartz
Rex 'Belt Line' Ryan
Todd 'Tiger Woods' Haley
Josh 'I just got my first pube' McDaniels
There is a group of coaches that the jury is still out on. All but one are in their second year of tenure with their team, and all have shown positive growth. Hell, Ken Wisenhunt has taken his team to a Super Bowl, 2 others have division titles (Smith and Sparano), and the last won over hearts across the league with his handling of Vernon Davis in one of his first games as coach. He then proceeded to fall out of favour with the fans by dropping his pants in the locker room at halftime, and naming Shaun Hill his starter this preseason. The only remaining non-2nd-year coach is Gary Kubiak, who has spent the past three seasons building his team from 6-10 to 8-8. At this pace, they should have their first 12-win season by 2015.
Overall, these coaches have a 10% chance of being fired.
#9) Jim 'Playoffs???' Mora Jr. – He could technically be included in the 'new in town' category, except he spent a year as DB coach/Assistant Head Coach to Mike Holmgren. In these two years in the system, the Hawks have been less than impressive, although die-hard fans would rather blame the collapse in the NW on injuries or GM Tim Ruskell. There is also the OC that can be blamed for some of the problems, as Gregg Knapp's offense is about as exciting as a drive across the prairies and explosive as a snap-pop. Mora has a 30% chance of hitting the bricks come January.
#8) Norv 'Pock Face' Turner - When your team has one of the most talented rosters in the league, but a coach that can't win the big game (Marty Shottenheimer), why not replace him with ANOTHER coach who has record of being JUST as inept in big games (Turner)? My guess is that the Chargers will once again choke on a fat one in the wild-card round of the playoffs this year, and Turner will be fired and replaced with another coach of similar credentials. Let’s say.....Andy Reid? ....no no no, Dick Jauron! Without a playoff win, Norv has a 40% chance of leaving town after the season.
#7) 'Who names their kid' Lovie Smith - Did you know he was named after his great aunt, Lavana? Godammit I love Wikipedia! Anyways, Sundays for the past two seasons have been filled with shots of Lovie's disapproving glare in the direction of crappy QBs....From Sexy Rexy (Grossman, not Ryan) to Kyle Orton, he believed they had the solution with Jay Cutler. Little did Lovie know that Cutler actually needed some guidance on the offense to make it work. Instead, the Bears’ offense has turned into a rudderless ship in a hailstorm of errand passes. How long can Lovie live on the fact he took a defensive minded team the Super Bowl? I guess it will be one more season. 41% chance of him getting canned this season, though.
#6) Tom 'Pacquiao' Cable - If only Tom Cable could be as aggressive with his offense as he is with his women. I guess it doesn't really help when your team is owned by the Crypt Keeper, and hasn't had an impressive first round pick since 2003. Seriously, their last six picks going back are Darius Heyward-Bey (#7 overall), Darren McFadden (#4), JaMarcus Russell (#1), Michael Huff (#7), Fabian Washington (#23), and Robert Gallery (#2). This is a good example that you should be able to fire the owner. Instead, the owner will fire Cable, and bring in another pawn. Hell, who would want to coach under that wretched old coot? Cable has a 55% chance of facing the wrath of Al Davis. The good news that if he goes, we have a 20% chance of seeing Al Davis read another letter off of an overhead...Always high comedy.
#5) Jack 'Choppin Wood' Del Rio - I give JDR credit for one of the gutsiest calls a coach has made in the last decade when he cut Byron Leftwich just weeks before the start of the 2007 season. At the time, it left fans and media alike scratching their heads. In the long run, it was a great call as David Garrad has proven that he can lead this team. But the downside is that the defensive minded JDR currently coaches the #30 ranked defence in all of football. Because of this, without a wild-card berth, the man who brought the suit back to the sideline is in grave danger of hitting the unemployment line. There is a 2/3 (66.666666%) chance that this happens.
#4) Wade 'Swedish Meatball' Phillips – This Cowboy coaching situation is one of the more confusing in the sport. You are in a c
#1) Jim 'Perpetually Confused' Zorn - This is a no-brainer. This is another situation in which maybe the fans should be able to fire the owner, but unfortunately Danny Boy is going to tinker with his Billion Dollar toy. Not saying Zorn doesn't deserve to lose his job, that team has been horrible when he has two hands on the wheel . Since Bingo-Sherm was brought in they have been somewhat respectable, but the fact is that the fan base in Washington feels they deserve more. If only Big Dan could figure out that he needs to get his chubby fingers out of the pie and let a real GM take control. Until then, the coaching carousel in DC will continue. Zorn has a 100% chance of being fired at season's end.
The next category is coaches that are new to their teams (and coincidentally, to being a head coach in general). These coaches have been given a few seasons to prove their worth and are just in the first season of implementing their ‘winning’ formula. These coaches have a 5% chance of being removed from their duties, and can spend the offseason honing their skills by playing Madden 10. Right Raheem?
Raheem 'Madden Guru' Morris
Steve 'I Miss NY' Spagnuolo
Jim 'Power of the...' Schwartz
Rex 'Belt Line' Ryan
Todd 'Tiger Woods' Haley
Josh 'I just got my first pube' McDaniels
There is a group of coaches that the jury is still out on. All but one are in their second year of tenure with their team, and all have shown positive growth. Hell, Ken Wisenhunt has taken his team to a Super Bowl, 2 others have division titles (Smith and Sparano), and the last won over hearts across the league with his handling of Vernon Davis in one of his first games as coach. He then proceeded to fall out of favour with the fans by dropping his pants in the locker room at halftime, and naming Shaun Hill his starter this preseason. The only remaining non-2nd-year coach is Gary Kubiak, who has spent the past three seasons building his team from 6-10 to 8-8. At this pace, they should have their first 12-win season by 2015.
Overall, these coaches have a 10% chance of being fired.
Ken 'I Love This Division' Wisenhunt
Tony 'Soprano' SparanoGary 'Screwed is Shaub Gets hurt' Kubiak
Mike 'Steve Martin' SmithMike 'Hard Ass' Singletary
Right before we enter the top 10 'Coaches on the Hot Seat', there are 3 remaining coaches that fit into a category of 'Have-been-on-the-hot-seat-at-one-time-or-another,-now-we-are-ok,-but-could-fall-out-of-favor-of-the-fans-pretty-damn-quick' coaches. Jeff Fisher has the longest tenure of any NFL coach, taking over for Jack Pardee in 1994. In that time span, he has won 3 division titles, made 6 playoff appearances, 1 Super Bowl appearance, and gone through numerous pairs of Oakley sunglasses. Tom Coughlin was on the fast track out of NY in 2007 until he turned his team around, and nonchalantly won a Super Bowl against a 18-0 Patriot team. Mike McCarthy inherited a team lead by Brett Favre, and won a division title in his second year as coach. Since Aaron Rodgers took the helm, the only positive about the play of the Packers is that they have Detroit in their division, stopping the decline to last in the NFC North. These 3 coaches have a 20%-50% chance of sticking around, depending on how they finish out the season.
Tony 'Soprano' SparanoGary 'Screwed is Shaub Gets hurt' Kubiak
Mike 'Steve Martin' SmithMike 'Hard Ass' Singletary
Right before we enter the top 10 'Coaches on the Hot Seat', there are 3 remaining coaches that fit into a category of 'Have-been-on-the-hot-seat-at-one-time-or-another,-now-we-are-ok,-but-could-fall-out-of-favor-of-the-fans-pretty-damn-quick' coaches. Jeff Fisher has the longest tenure of any NFL coach, taking over for Jack Pardee in 1994. In that time span, he has won 3 division titles, made 6 playoff appearances, 1 Super Bowl appearance, and gone through numerous pairs of Oakley sunglasses. Tom Coughlin was on the fast track out of NY in 2007 until he turned his team around, and nonchalantly won a Super Bowl against a 18-0 Patriot team. Mike McCarthy inherited a team lead by Brett Favre, and won a division title in his second year as coach. Since Aaron Rodgers took the helm, the only positive about the play of the Packers is that they have Detroit in their division, stopping the decline to last in the NFC North. These 3 coaches have a 20%-50% chance of sticking around, depending on how they finish out the season.Win or you're out:
Jeff 'Cooler than the other side of the pillow' Fisher
Jeff 'Cooler than the other side of the pillow' Fisher
Tom 'Cerberus' Coughlin
Mike 'Missing Favre' McCarthy
Missing: Buffalo Bills HC
Anyways, on with the Top 10 coaches on the Hot Seat:
#10) Andy 'Clock Management' Reid - Amazing preparation coach. There might not be a better coach from Tuesday to Saturday in the league. The problem is that the games are played on Sundays, and it seems as though Andy Reid still has not figured out that the clock continues to count down from 15:00 to 0:00. At no point does it count UP, nor does it stop for no reason what so ever. He has also not figured out that eating timeouts does not mean they are meal replacements. I would like to think it’s time for a change in Philly, but truly, there is only a 25% chance of him getting rolled.
Mike 'Missing Favre' McCarthy
Missing: Buffalo Bills HC
Anyways, on with the Top 10 coaches on the Hot Seat:
#10) Andy 'Clock Management' Reid - Amazing preparation coach. There might not be a better coach from Tuesday to Saturday in the league. The problem is that the games are played on Sundays, and it seems as though Andy Reid still has not figured out that the clock continues to count down from 15:00 to 0:00. At no point does it count UP, nor does it stop for no reason what so ever. He has also not figured out that eating timeouts does not mean they are meal replacements. I would like to think it’s time for a change in Philly, but truly, there is only a 25% chance of him getting rolled.
#9) Jim 'Playoffs???' Mora Jr. – He could technically be included in the 'new in town' category, except he spent a year as DB coach/Assistant Head Coach to Mike Holmgren. In these two years in the system, the Hawks have been less than impressive, although die-hard fans would rather blame the collapse in the NW on injuries or GM Tim Ruskell. There is also the OC that can be blamed for some of the problems, as Gregg Knapp's offense is about as exciting as a drive across the prairies and explosive as a snap-pop. Mora has a 30% chance of hitting the bricks come January.
#8) Norv 'Pock Face' Turner - When your team has one of the most talented rosters in the league, but a coach that can't win the big game (Marty Shottenheimer), why not replace him with ANOTHER coach who has record of being JUST as inept in big games (Turner)? My guess is that the Chargers will once again choke on a fat one in the wild-card round of the playoffs this year, and Turner will be fired and replaced with another coach of similar credentials. Let’s say.....Andy Reid? ....no no no, Dick Jauron! Without a playoff win, Norv has a 40% chance of leaving town after the season.#7) 'Who names their kid' Lovie Smith - Did you know he was named after his great aunt, Lavana? Godammit I love Wikipedia! Anyways, Sundays for the past two seasons have been filled with shots of Lovie's disapproving glare in the direction of crappy QBs....From Sexy Rexy (Grossman, not Ryan) to Kyle Orton, he believed they had the solution with Jay Cutler. Little did Lovie know that Cutler actually needed some guidance on the offense to make it work. Instead, the Bears’ offense has turned into a rudderless ship in a hailstorm of errand passes. How long can Lovie live on the fact he took a defensive minded team the Super Bowl? I guess it will be one more season. 41% chance of him getting canned this season, though.
#6) Tom 'Pacquiao' Cable - If only Tom Cable could be as aggressive with his offense as he is with his women. I guess it doesn't really help when your team is owned by the Crypt Keeper, and hasn't had an impressive first round pick since 2003. Seriously, their last six picks going back are Darius Heyward-Bey (#7 overall), Darren McFadden (#4), JaMarcus Russell (#1), Michael Huff (#7), Fabian Washington (#23), and Robert Gallery (#2). This is a good example that you should be able to fire the owner. Instead, the owner will fire Cable, and bring in another pawn. Hell, who would want to coach under that wretched old coot? Cable has a 55% chance of facing the wrath of Al Davis. The good news that if he goes, we have a 20% chance of seeing Al Davis read another letter off of an overhead...Always high comedy.
#5) Jack 'Choppin Wood' Del Rio - I give JDR credit for one of the gutsiest calls a coach has made in the last decade when he cut Byron Leftwich just weeks before the start of the 2007 season. At the time, it left fans and media alike scratching their heads. In the long run, it was a great call as David Garrad has proven that he can lead this team. But the downside is that the defensive minded JDR currently coaches the #30 ranked defence in all of football. Because of this, without a wild-card berth, the man who brought the suit back to the sideline is in grave danger of hitting the unemployment line. There is a 2/3 (66.666666%) chance that this happens.
#4) Wade 'Swedish Meatball' Phillips – This Cowboy coaching situation is one of the more confusing in the sport. You are in a c
ity whose expectations are out of control, with an owner that likes the spotlight more than your pro-bowl butterfingers QB, and playing in a new stadium that looks like it's ready to give birth to an extra terrestrial. Wade Phillips is NOT the man for the job in Dallas. He should be thrilled to coach in a division with Andy Reid and Jim Zorn, or he would look like a steaming turd of a coach, rather than just a stinky one. With no playoff appearance, there is a 75% chance of removal. If they make the playoffs, it’s more like 40%.
#3) John 'Live by Delhomme, Die by Delhomme' Fox - John Fox has become 'Mr. Loyalty' in Carolina, as he is playing the same game with Jake Delhomme as he did with Stephen Davis and Deshaun Foster. With the running back loyalty, it never really cost him, but the Del-bacle of the past 12 months may end up costing him his job. With Bill Cower living in Charlotte, just chomping at the bit (not supposed to be a jaw joke, even though it kind of is!) to get back on the sidelines, Fox may become a casualty of war. I see a 70% chance of Fox leaving town, and a 40% chance that he ends up coaching another team.
#2) Eric 'Mangina' Mangini - Something needs to be said about the Belichick coaching tree. Cranell blows, Weis sucks, and Mangini has proven that he can take capable players and make them play like the tin man (it's a 'no heart' reference). Now that his BFF, George Kokinis has been fired as GM, everyone can see the writing on the wall. A new GM will be coming to town (Mike Holmgren?) and will want his own man on the sidelines. There is almost no chance (let’s put the number at 90%) that the Big Brown Beaver keeps his job.
#3) John 'Live by Delhomme, Die by Delhomme' Fox - John Fox has become 'Mr. Loyalty' in Carolina, as he is playing the same game with Jake Delhomme as he did with Stephen Davis and Deshaun Foster. With the running back loyalty, it never really cost him, but the Del-bacle of the past 12 months may end up costing him his job. With Bill Cower living in Charlotte, just chomping at the bit (not supposed to be a jaw joke, even though it kind of is!) to get back on the sidelines, Fox may become a casualty of war. I see a 70% chance of Fox leaving town, and a 40% chance that he ends up coaching another team.
#2) Eric 'Mangina' Mangini - Something needs to be said about the Belichick coaching tree. Cranell blows, Weis sucks, and Mangini has proven that he can take capable players and make them play like the tin man (it's a 'no heart' reference). Now that his BFF, George Kokinis has been fired as GM, everyone can see the writing on the wall. A new GM will be coming to town (Mike Holmgren?) and will want his own man on the sidelines. There is almost no chance (let’s put the number at 90%) that the Big Brown Beaver keeps his job.
#1) Jim 'Perpetually Confused' Zorn - This is a no-brainer. This is another situation in which maybe the fans should be able to fire the owner, but unfortunately Danny Boy is going to tinker with his Billion Dollar toy. Not saying Zorn doesn't deserve to lose his job, that team has been horrible when he has two hands on the wheel . Since Bingo-Sherm was brought in they have been somewhat respectable, but the fact is that the fan base in Washington feels they deserve more. If only Big Dan could figure out that he needs to get his chubby fingers out of the pie and let a real GM take control. Until then, the coaching carousel in DC will continue. Zorn has a 100% chance of being fired at season's end.Free Plug: Join me every Thursday as I co-host the Ultimate Football Talk podcast. Available on iTunes!
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Nice article. Totally agree that Payton looks like a duck.
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